爱的艺术

探戈中最重要的规则之一是不责备，批评或指教你的舞伴。老舞棍们严格遵循这个规则，因为他们知道后果。最近，我的两个学生大吵了一架。起初也许是出于好心，她对他的带领提了点意见。他为自己辩解，并对她的跟随说了些什么。结果对话升级成了侮辱，并以两颗心的破碎而告终。他们也许不会再与对方跳舞了。

学习探戈就象学习语言，而且需要差不多长的时间。任何学探戈不到五年的人都算是新手，而新手是最沮丧恼怒的人。他们想跳好，但不知道怎么跳。有许多东西他们都不知道，包括规则和礼仪。每个新手都有许多毛病，而且都对别人有看法。有经验的舞者不与他们跳舞。所以他们只能自己一块儿跳，并为各自的毛病互相指责。五十步笑百步的讽刺是同类相讥。当一个人指责对方僵硬时，对方可能也在这样想。等他们学会了步子，感情也伤害了，关系也破裂了。

初学者往往没有意识到，不管你喜欢与否，跟你在一起学探戈的人是你探戈生涯中最重要的人。在很长一段时间内你可能都会与他们跳舞。每个社区中跳探戈的人是有限的。这些人是被命运召到一起来的。大家最好彼此接受对方，并给对方提高的时间。在现实生活中，如果你喜欢一个人，你对她说她很美丽。如果你说她是丑陋的，她不会跟你出去。若想与别人跳舞，你也得做同样的事。即使你被要求说实话也总是赞美一个人的舞蹈。有多少丈夫在说了实话后被妻子踢下床去的？记住，探戈不只是一个舞蹈。它是一种人际关系。它是爱的艺术。

耶鲁大学艺术史教授罗伯特·法里斯·汤普森在他的著作《探戈，爱的艺术史》中说：探戈“是教世界学会爱的舞蹈。”探戈的精髓是欢迎别人进入你的个人空间，接受那个人，向他委身，放弃你的自我，倾听那人内心的声音和感受，做个体贴，合作，谦让，顺应的人，享受两人间的亲密，与他/她合而为一，并给他/她以安慰，快乐和爱。这与我们的文化所代表的观念，即个人主义，独立性，自我利益，敌对好斗，是不同的。学习探戈是学习如何适应别人，不是要别人适应你。我希望探戈能使我们成为更好的人，用尊重，欣赏和关爱对待别人，接受别人如其所是，并把别人，而不是自己，当作生活和舞蹈的中心。在没有做到这些之前，我们没有足够的资格做探戈舞者，而且也跳不好探戈。

The Art of Love

One of the most important rules in tango is not to blame, criticize or teach your dance partner. Milongueros follow this code strictly because they know the consequence. Recently, two of my students had a big fight. It started out of perhaps a very good intention to help. She said something about his leading. He defended himself and said something about her following. The conversation escalated to insults and ended up with two broken hearts. They perhaps will not dance with each other again.

Learning tango is like learning a language and it takes about as long. Anyone less than five years in tango is a novice. Novices are the most frustrated people. They want to dance well but don’t know how. There are so many things they don’t know, including rules and manners. Each of them has loads of problems, and they all have opinions on each other. Experienced dancers don’t dance with them. So they stick together and blame each other for their own problems. The irony of “the pot calls the kettle black” is that they are two of a kind. When one blames the other for being stiff, the other is likely thinking the same. By the time they have learned the steps, feelings are hurt and relationships broken.

Beginners often don’t realize that, whether you like it or not, the people who are learning tango with you are the most important people in your tango life. You will likely dance with them for a long time. There are only limited people in each tango community. These are the people called together by fate. It’s better to accept each other and give each other time to improve. In real life, if you like someone you tell her how beautiful she is. If you say she is ugly, she will not go out with you. You do the same thing in tango if you want to dance with someone. Always say good things about one’s dance even if you are asked for an honest opinion. How many husbands are kicked out of bed after giving their wives their honest opinion?  Remember, tango is not just a dance. It is a relationship. It is the art of love.

Robert Farris Thompson, professor of the History of Art at Yale University, said in his book, Tango, the Art History of Love, that tango “is the dance that teaches the world to love.” The idea of tango is to welcome another person into your personal space, to accept that person, to surrender, to let go your ego, to listen to the inner voice and feelings of that person, to be considerate, cooperative, yielding and adaptive, to enjoy the intimacy, to be one with that person, and to give comfort, pleasure and love. It is a different idea from what our culture stands for, that is, individualism, independence, self-interests and aggression. Learning tango is learning to accommodate yourself to others, not asking others to adapt to you. Hopefully, tango will make us a better people who treat others with respect, appreciation and attentiveness, accept them as who they are, and put them, instead of oneself, at the center of one’s life and dance. Until then, we are not qualified as tango dancers, and cannot dance well anyway.